It’s been 3 weeks and a day since the last time I’ve run. In that time a couple of things have happened to me. The good news is that my legs no longer hurt as much. It is no longer excruciatingly painful to walk down a flight of stairs and I can walk without feeling like I am hobbling along. On the negative side, I’ve become morbidly depressed. It’s not depression over not being able to run; it is more the fact that running for me somehow kept my depression from hitting me so hard. There is a simple ease in running and the longer I ran the better I felt. I could lose myself in running and all my pressures and worries just seemed to disappear. Having that taken away from me was like the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.
Yes I can go bike riding or swimming, but they are just not giving me the same pleasure that running gave me. I feel good after I get in a swim or a bike, but the effort that goes into doing those activities just seems to be too much for me at times. All I had to do for running was slap on a pair of sneakers and go. My mind could wander aimlessly as the miles passed by and I didn’t have to think of anything more complicated other than what my next turn should be. Swimming and biking take a higher level of concentration and doesn’t give me that Zen feeling. When I get on my bike or go to the pool, I am forcing myself to do so. It is not something I want to do. I don’t know what this means. My nickname of Beast came from the days that I would be up at 4am every morning to do mega workouts. I’d do this right through the dead of winter when not another living soul would dare to go outside. I am so far away from that person right now and that makes me sad. I wish I could recapture it. My inner Beast has escaped leaving me a shell of who I once was.
I’ve written about this before how in the past I would be heavily into training, but after a while I would burn out and return to slovenly ways. Normally a training cycle would last about 3 years. I’ve been going since June 18, 2001 and have made a very good run of it this time. I have no desire to return to being a fat bastard that is completely out of shape. I am not getting younger and it gets harder and harder to whip a body into shape. I know this in my heart and I feel much stress and pressure for me to continue to keep myself in shape. I need a catalyst to spark my interest in getting back into shape. The Vermont 100 Mile race was that catalyst for me this year, but that has been taken away by my sudden inability to run.
I am supposed to wait 6 – 8 weeks before I begin to run again. It’s going to be hard to maintain some sort of fitness during this time. I’ve been managing to work out around 4 times per week. Hopefully I can continue to do so. Also hopefully, I won’t lose interest in pursuing the Vermont 100 Miler by the time I can run again. It’s happened to me in the past, where I’ve been denied something that I wanted for a long time, but ultimately getting it at a later date. However by the time I got it I no longer cared about it. I hope that’s not the case with the Vermont 100.
Last week I was in New Orleans for a company convention. I had big plans to explore the city by running around it. New Orleans is a very beautiful place and as I explored it by trolley and foot, I felt an anger rising inside me that I couldn’t be outside running. I distracted myself from these thoughts by partying and drinking with my colleagues from work as much as possible. I will say I did succeed in distracting myself. I have some pictures to prove it, which I will not post here, lest one of them come back to haunt me in the future. Those who followed my Tweets on Twitter know somewhat what I was doing while in Nawlins and I am going to let that serve as my record of my adventures.
I need to find something that is going to give me pleasure in life and make me happy. Or perhaps more accurately, I am going to need to learn how to be happy. I feel like it’s a lost emotion and I don’t know how to find it. There are things that give me pleasure and make me happy (such as my children), but those are at time moment circumstances. It doesn’t stay with me. I am looking for it and just can’t find it. I am a blind man in the desert searching for water. All I seem to be able to find is dust. |
