It’s been 3 weeks and a day since the last time I’ve run. In that time a couple of things have happened to me. The good news is that my legs no longer hurt as much. It is no longer excruciatingly painful to walk down a flight of stairs and I can walk without feeling like I am hobbling along. On the negative side, I’ve become morbidly depressed. It’s not depression over not being able to run; it is more the fact that running for me somehow kept my depression from hitting me so hard. There is a simple ease in running and the longer I ran the better I felt. I could lose myself in running and all my pressures and worries just seemed to disappear. Having that taken away from me was like the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.
Yes I can go bike riding or swimming, but they are just not giving me the same pleasure that running gave me. I feel good after I get in a swim or a bike, but the effort that goes into doing those activities just seems to be too much for me at times. All I had to do for running was slap on a pair of sneakers and go. My mind could wander aimlessly as the miles passed by and I didn’t have to think of anything more complicated other than what my next turn should be. Swimming and biking take a higher level of concentration and doesn’t give me that Zen feeling. When I get on my bike or go to the pool, I am forcing myself to do so. It is not something I want to do. I don’t know what this means. My nickname of Beast came from the days that I would be up at 4am every morning to do mega workouts. I’d do this right through the dead of winter when not another living soul would dare to go outside. I am so far away from that person right now and that makes me sad. I wish I could recapture it. My inner Beast has escaped leaving me a shell of who I once was.
I’ve written about this before how in the past I would be heavily into training, but after a while I would burn out and return to slovenly ways. Normally a training cycle would last about 3 years. I’ve been going since June 18, 2001 and have made a very good run of it this time. I have no desire to return to being a fat bastard that is completely out of shape. I am not getting younger and it gets harder and harder to whip a body into shape. I know this in my heart and I feel much stress and pressure for me to continue to keep myself in shape. I need a catalyst to spark my interest in getting back into shape. The Vermont 100 Mile race was that catalyst for me this year, but that has been taken away by my sudden inability to run.
I am supposed to wait 6 – 8 weeks before I begin to run again. It’s going to be hard to maintain some sort of fitness during this time. I’ve been managing to work out around 4 times per week. Hopefully I can continue to do so. Also hopefully, I won’t lose interest in pursuing the Vermont 100 Miler by the time I can run again. It’s happened to me in the past, where I’ve been denied something that I wanted for a long time, but ultimately getting it at a later date. However by the time I got it I no longer cared about it. I hope that’s not the case with the Vermont 100.
Last week I was in New Orleans for a company convention. I had big plans to explore the city by running around it. New Orleans is a very beautiful place and as I explored it by trolley and foot, I felt an anger rising inside me that I couldn’t be outside running. I distracted myself from these thoughts by partying and drinking with my colleagues from work as much as possible. I will say I did succeed in distracting myself. I have some pictures to prove it, which I will not post here, lest one of them come back to haunt me in the future. Those who followed my Tweets on Twitter know somewhat what I was doing while in Nawlins and I am going to let that serve as my record of my adventures.
I need to find something that is going to give me pleasure in life and make me happy. Or perhaps more accurately, I am going to need to learn how to be happy. I feel like it’s a lost emotion and I don’t know how to find it. There are things that give me pleasure and make me happy (such as my children), but those are at time moment circumstances. It doesn’t stay with me. I am looking for it and just can’t find it. I am a blind man in the desert searching for water. All I seem to be able to find is dust. |
4 comments:
I know exactly what you're saying. When that restless, listless angst hits, it's hard to be at peace with much of anything. I've watched from far away as you've fought through so much and have always been amazed at how you come back fighting. Sometimes it takes you a little longer to get back up again, but you always do it. I'm proud to have you as my friend. I'm even more grateful I have you as an example for me. I am much weaker emotionally (obviously physically), and you always inspire me to do better. To be better. I saved this as a favorite today. Someone tweeted it and it stuck to me: "Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself." You aren't fake or false. When you hurt, we know it. When you're happy, we know that too. I'm watching Beastie Boy. Get up honey. Not just for you, but for those of us that need you to. Get good and mad and fight back. Go Tiger........ xoxo, Angela
Thank you Angela. Sometimes that is what I need to hear.
As a person who has battled (and won against, more often than not) depression since the age of 14, I know all too well how easy it is to succumb to the vacuum effect.
That being said, every person - even the happiest person in the world - has a down cycle, when they aren't quite as happy, upbeat, or productive. We all need not only to accept that we'll have those down times, but also to reflect during those times to see what is most prominent in our minds. What are we focusing on when we're letting our minds wander in the gutters of depression? That often leads us to something we can and should try to change.
I know that running has become a part of you, your identity, and your way of coping in life. I was really scared for you though, when you were having so much trouble and not resting properly, not going to the doctor. I'm glad you finally did both, and I hope that this will mean you have many happy running years in front of you. I truly believed that you were on a path to permanently damaging your legs, and therefore creating a longterm problem that would prevent you from running at all, ever.
I know that I haven't known you long. I know that you may think I don't know what I'm talking about. But I'm better at reading people that one would guess, and I think that the increased problem with your legs was your mind's way of telling you it need you to focus somewhere else.
I've mentioned yoga to you before. I was only talking about what many call "cubicle yoga" (or "office yoga") for you to do when you're stressed at work, in your office. However, I also noticed you seemed to perk at the mention of Pilates. This is another form of mind/body strength training that I think would benefit you greatly. I love both, and I think they both - one or the other, separate ... or both, combined - would help you. I think you need to focus on the Inner Beast a little, and learn what he's really trying to tell you. Because while you think he's dying away, I think he's crying to be let out ... but he's buried so deep, you can't hear him anymore.
Swimming and biking aren't doing it for you. Take a few private lessons in something else, and try it ... I suggest a Pilates or Yoga class, because you can do that anywhere, anytime - without equipment or hassle. (This is not to say there isn't special equipment or special places to do these things - there are, plenty. But both can be done with just you, a small corner of space, and a few moments of time.)
From the moment we started talking, I was attracted to the spirit within you. I've come to value your friendship - however long distance tech-involved it may be. It drives me nuts knowing you're hurting, and not knowing enough about you to truly be able to help.
Just know I'm here for you. You know how to reach me, and while life may distract me, I always get my messages and get back to you.
((((((BIG HUGS))))))
Brujita sends u hugs.
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